Why do we feel the need to be ‘doing’ all the time?
How hard do we need to work for it to be valued… Not by others, but by ourselves?
Holidays are wonderful, time off to relax, nurture and enjoy ourselves, a break in our regular routine. So what would happen if our life was one permanent holiday?
I bring to you example a): Hugh Grant’s character in the book/ film ‘About a Boy’, (by Nick Hornby) who never has to ‘work’ and lives of the royalties from his dad’s hit Christmas song, ‘Santa's Super Sleigh’.
Interesting. What springs to mind when you hear that? Admiration? Jealousy? Wondering whether he spent all day being bored or depressed without a sense of purpose? Would he be a valued member of society, or looked down on because he didn’t earn his place in life?
Any of those can be true depending on what stories we’ve adopted over the years about value. But what matters is how WE feel about that character. Because it can shed some light on what subconscious programmes are shaping how hard we need to work to feel valued ourselves.
How hard do we need to work for it to be valued… Not by others, but by ourselves?
Holidays are wonderful, time off to relax, nurture and enjoy ourselves, a break in our regular routine. So what would happen if our life was one permanent holiday?
I bring to you example a): Hugh Grant’s character in the book/ film ‘About a Boy’, (by Nick Hornby) who never has to ‘work’ and lives of the royalties from his dad’s hit Christmas song, ‘Santa's Super Sleigh’.
Interesting. What springs to mind when you hear that? Admiration? Jealousy? Wondering whether he spent all day being bored or depressed without a sense of purpose? Would he be a valued member of society, or looked down on because he didn’t earn his place in life?
Any of those can be true depending on what stories we’ve adopted over the years about value. But what matters is how WE feel about that character. Because it can shed some light on what subconscious programmes are shaping how hard we need to work to feel valued ourselves.
Our subconscious beliefs shape life more than we know
I’ve just read an email from Denise Duffield-Thomas (Money Guru), which talked about how our subconscious money blocks KEEP showing up at every level, they just change guise. Her belief was that she needed to work hard, to strive for money. She couldn’t justify charging for things that came easily.
And what a surprise, the next email I opened from Elizabeth Gilbert (Author), had exactly the same theme (thanks Universe!):
‘Who are we when we stop working? Who are we when we stop? What’s left?’
I didn’t need to keep reading. I KNOW this story. For me it began with a bang. I didn’t just lose my job, I lost my friends, my hobbies and my vocation. All at once.
How?
I became bedbound with ME/CFS.
I tried to keep going, I reduced my hours at work, told myself I SHOULD be capable of doing more, that it would pass. But my body had other ideas. And there I was reduced to lying in bed with no energy to talk or move or stumble to the toilet. And as if that wasn’t enough, my body began to develop allergic reactions to using mobile phones, eating food, drinking tap water. Tricky to say the least.
So there I was, in bed, with barely the energy to sit up, unable to talk to people or use the phone or go out, and I couldn’t even have a bar of chocolate to lift my spirits. There I was, full career and social life one minute, all gone the next.
All I had left was me. Living, breathing me, lying in bed.
But who is that? When ALL the stuff is stripped away, when you can’t work, or do ANYTHING for other people, what’s left?
Tricky one that.
I’ve just read an email from Denise Duffield-Thomas (Money Guru), which talked about how our subconscious money blocks KEEP showing up at every level, they just change guise. Her belief was that she needed to work hard, to strive for money. She couldn’t justify charging for things that came easily.
And what a surprise, the next email I opened from Elizabeth Gilbert (Author), had exactly the same theme (thanks Universe!):
‘Who are we when we stop working? Who are we when we stop? What’s left?’
I didn’t need to keep reading. I KNOW this story. For me it began with a bang. I didn’t just lose my job, I lost my friends, my hobbies and my vocation. All at once.
How?
I became bedbound with ME/CFS.
I tried to keep going, I reduced my hours at work, told myself I SHOULD be capable of doing more, that it would pass. But my body had other ideas. And there I was reduced to lying in bed with no energy to talk or move or stumble to the toilet. And as if that wasn’t enough, my body began to develop allergic reactions to using mobile phones, eating food, drinking tap water. Tricky to say the least.
So there I was, in bed, with barely the energy to sit up, unable to talk to people or use the phone or go out, and I couldn’t even have a bar of chocolate to lift my spirits. There I was, full career and social life one minute, all gone the next.
All I had left was me. Living, breathing me, lying in bed.
But who is that? When ALL the stuff is stripped away, when you can’t work, or do ANYTHING for other people, what’s left?
Tricky one that.
If I Work Harder I’ll Be Safe
How much of our life do we depend on other people for validation?
Friends who tell us we look good, that we are doing well, family that love us, a salary that gets paid when we show up, a boss that affirms we’re good at what we do, social media comments that reaffirm we’re on the right track… All of it.
And it’s an internal voice as well. Our criteria for being a good, worthy person is a narrative we keep telling ourselves in our heads, and it’s usually tied to DOING something for other people or something that can be seen by other people. In our Western culture we define ourselves by what we do.
Meet people at a party? The first question is ‘what do you do?’
It’s not the same all over the world. Some cultures ask ‘who are you?’ but here, we’re really subtly defined by what we do.
And when illness hits and sabotages all we think of as necessary for being a ‘good’, ‘worthy’ human… Well, what does that leave us with?
How much of our life do we depend on other people for validation?
Friends who tell us we look good, that we are doing well, family that love us, a salary that gets paid when we show up, a boss that affirms we’re good at what we do, social media comments that reaffirm we’re on the right track… All of it.
And it’s an internal voice as well. Our criteria for being a good, worthy person is a narrative we keep telling ourselves in our heads, and it’s usually tied to DOING something for other people or something that can be seen by other people. In our Western culture we define ourselves by what we do.
Meet people at a party? The first question is ‘what do you do?’
It’s not the same all over the world. Some cultures ask ‘who are you?’ but here, we’re really subtly defined by what we do.
And when illness hits and sabotages all we think of as necessary for being a ‘good’, ‘worthy’ human… Well, what does that leave us with?
Do Bad Things Only Happen To Bad People?
Do bad things only happen to bad people? Did I do something wrong to have my life ripped away from me?
No of course not. We know that, but let’s be honest, there’s still a little whisper deep inside that says ‘if I work hard, if I’m kinder, if I PROVE myself, THEN the bad stuff won’t happen and I’ll be safe.”
Navigating our human existence is not about making things safer or calmer or better. It’s learning to be so sure of who we are at our core, that we know we can surf everything. So sure that we are intrinsically loved just for BEING, that we know we can never be exterminated by any external cue.
So yes, reading the words of Denise DT and Liz Gilbert, hit hard. Because I know this narrative. I know this theme. I did NOT listen to my body or my heart, and ended up learning my whole journey of existence in one of the hardest ways possible - by having everything that justified my existence stripped away.
Not only couldn’t I do anything for other people but I actually had to rely on their compassion to do everything for me to stay alive. Wash, feed, sit with. Everything, with nothing I could do in return. A truly humbling and slightly terrifying existence that made me question who I was. What was left?
Was I worth helping? Could I justify simply being alive as enough to be classed as a good, lovable human being?
Do bad things only happen to bad people? Did I do something wrong to have my life ripped away from me?
No of course not. We know that, but let’s be honest, there’s still a little whisper deep inside that says ‘if I work hard, if I’m kinder, if I PROVE myself, THEN the bad stuff won’t happen and I’ll be safe.”
Navigating our human existence is not about making things safer or calmer or better. It’s learning to be so sure of who we are at our core, that we know we can surf everything. So sure that we are intrinsically loved just for BEING, that we know we can never be exterminated by any external cue.
So yes, reading the words of Denise DT and Liz Gilbert, hit hard. Because I know this narrative. I know this theme. I did NOT listen to my body or my heart, and ended up learning my whole journey of existence in one of the hardest ways possible - by having everything that justified my existence stripped away.
Not only couldn’t I do anything for other people but I actually had to rely on their compassion to do everything for me to stay alive. Wash, feed, sit with. Everything, with nothing I could do in return. A truly humbling and slightly terrifying existence that made me question who I was. What was left?
Was I worth helping? Could I justify simply being alive as enough to be classed as a good, lovable human being?
Love IS Enough
So now I’m reading these timely emails that both showed up at once, and I’m taking a moment to notice. To process. And guess what, I can see the whispers of that journey repeating. I’ve recovered most of my health, enough to return to doing the things I love. But the mantra repeats, shows up in subtle ways to reinforce my identify:
You can’t charge people money for that, it’s so easy. If you want a better life, you’ll have to work for it. You have to get approval from your family and colleagues before you can go ahead and live life the way you want. You can’t just live happily, there has to be a little bit of chaos first.
This. This is where the freedom is:
The place where you don’t have to prove anything any more.
How many years do we spend waiting, waiting for external approval before we feel safe enough to come out of hiding and live life the way we want to, the way we need to?
How long have I lived in just a little bit of chaos, just enough to prevent me from finding the time to do the things I really love?
The Universe loves us so much that when we veer too far from the path of who we really are, they stage an intervention to get us back on the right path. A little message at first, and then if - like me - you have your ear plugs in, they’ll pull the rug from right under you to get your attention.
So take a moment. And ask yourself:
If you’re tired, if you listen, if you stop…What’s left?
Who are we if we don’t have a goal?
What’s left?
If we can ride the waves back to who we really are and what we love, and acknowledge that we don’t have to push against the tide of who we are… If we do what comes easily, if we don’t have to be ‘good enough’ to justify being loved and safe, then maybe, just maybe we can enjoy this Earth ride with the freedom we’re craving. Whether we’re lying in bed, or have all our limbs intact.
Not proving our worth, just intrinsically knowing that when we align with who we really are, we really can’t get it wrong. It’s enough:
So now I’m reading these timely emails that both showed up at once, and I’m taking a moment to notice. To process. And guess what, I can see the whispers of that journey repeating. I’ve recovered most of my health, enough to return to doing the things I love. But the mantra repeats, shows up in subtle ways to reinforce my identify:
You can’t charge people money for that, it’s so easy. If you want a better life, you’ll have to work for it. You have to get approval from your family and colleagues before you can go ahead and live life the way you want. You can’t just live happily, there has to be a little bit of chaos first.
This. This is where the freedom is:
The place where you don’t have to prove anything any more.
How many years do we spend waiting, waiting for external approval before we feel safe enough to come out of hiding and live life the way we want to, the way we need to?
How long have I lived in just a little bit of chaos, just enough to prevent me from finding the time to do the things I really love?
The Universe loves us so much that when we veer too far from the path of who we really are, they stage an intervention to get us back on the right path. A little message at first, and then if - like me - you have your ear plugs in, they’ll pull the rug from right under you to get your attention.
So take a moment. And ask yourself:
If you’re tired, if you listen, if you stop…What’s left?
Who are we if we don’t have a goal?
What’s left?
If we can ride the waves back to who we really are and what we love, and acknowledge that we don’t have to push against the tide of who we are… If we do what comes easily, if we don’t have to be ‘good enough’ to justify being loved and safe, then maybe, just maybe we can enjoy this Earth ride with the freedom we’re craving. Whether we’re lying in bed, or have all our limbs intact.
Not proving our worth, just intrinsically knowing that when we align with who we really are, we really can’t get it wrong. It’s enough:
- What is the ‘quiet, sacred rhythm of your life?
- What do we do when the ‘To Do’ list runs out?
Read more : See Nicki's courses, books and downloads: